I love a nice, hearty breakfast on the weekends: slow-cooked Wright’s bacon and some scratch buttermilk pancakes with blueberries. Hell, yeah! (warning: I will be using colorful language in this post. It’s that important.) That’s damn good eating. But, given my girlfriend eats like a bird and I’m trying not to expand beyond my current zipcode, do I make a small batch of pancake batter? Hell to the no! That would require math and, heck, it’s the same amount of work no matter the batter. So what to do with the rest of the pancakes?
Look, I know the simple answer is to wrap them up and put them bastards in the fridge or freezer and just reheat them later. And, sure, that’s a decent, albeit boring answer. But here’s the deal: I’m one of those guys that packs my lunch for work every day. Rare is the day I go out to grab lunch, whether food truck, restaurant, or supermarket salad bar. I eat while I work and then leave a little early. It’s my thing. Did you know I have a thing? So, what’s a better option?
I have to admit, I have more than just one thing. I have many things. No, not of a biological nature, but things that are just me. I fucking love peanut butter. I mean really fucking love it. I don’t overdo eating it, but when I have it – I have the hell out of it. It’s a great lunch option except, well, if you make that shit in the morning before leaving the house you end up with a sammich full of sog thanks to the jelly (my favorite being Concord grape, but I’ve grown to enjoy a number of other berry-based jams and jellies. My mom would enjoy knowing that – I was picky as a kid – but I’m sure the cussing caused her to stop reading a paragraph ago.)
You’re going to tell me to take my bread, peanut butter, jelly, and a knife to work with me and make it there, aren’t you? Fuck off. Sorry. I warned you this was important to me. Where was I? Oh yeah, pack the ingredients and turn my desk into a check station? Nope. Not my thing. But now I have a new thing and it solves the dilemma I referred to in the first paragraph. Blueberry fucking pancake peanut butter sandwiches.
Look, you have the blueberries cooked into the pancake and, if it’s a good batter (and I make a really good batter), that shit’s going to hold up. No leaking, no gooping – perfectly preserved blueberries suspended in a fucking awesome cake-y bread. Slather some natural peanut butter in there – chunky if you’re not a wussbag – slam it into a bag and hi-ho-hi-ho it’s off to work you go.
Look, if you’re into self-destructive behaviors and want to use some mass-produced pancake batter from a box or (gag) carton, you can do that. It will suck. But you won’t know that because you didn’t try mine. So you will be blissfully ignorant. Have at it, champ.
Make the pancakes. All of them. If you don’t like blueberries, use some other fruit. Don’t skip the fruit. Unless you’d rather have chocolate chips. I’m cool with that. Stash those fuckers in the fridge. When it’s time to go to work, pull out a couple, slather liberally with peanut butter – and I’m telling you, stay away from that sugar-loaded Peter Pan shit. Don’t put no Pan on the pancakes – good, chunky peanut butter! Wrap it up like you were taking it out on a date and haul off to work. A few hours later your coworkers are going to think you’re gettin lucky because of all the yummy noises you’re making.
Yeah. That’s the ticket. You’re welcome.
Steve is the founder of Straight Talk Entertainment and currently produces and writes for the audio drama Aural Traditions, recently voted Charleston City Paper’s Best Local Podcast. He’s also an Information Security professional and avid shark tooth hunter.